Showing posts with label Flash Fiction. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Flash Fiction. Show all posts

Monday, 10 December 2012

Santa's Last Day


Two in the afternoon and Santa was weary. His back was playing up from sitting on the same uncomfortable stool all day, his head was spinning and ached mercilessly from the incessant chirpy music, his chin was sore from inquisitive kids tugging at his beard to see if it was real – of course it was – and most of all he was totally, absolutely, sick of those whining little kids, and worse still, their parents. What a place to spend the last few weeks before Christmas: in a grotty grotto in a large cheapskate department store, but, like every one else these days, he needed the money, even if it was minimum wage.
So here he was with an annoyingly precocious boy on his knee. This horrid little snob, in his pristine school uniform, was holding up a long queue of disgruntled parents, with even more disgruntled children, as he recited his interminable list of overpriced demands. His smug middle class parents looked on, with grinning superiority, as snobby junior took another deep breath, fixed another look of concentration, and continued:
“An Action Man, a train set, a Scalextric, a fire engine, a bow and arrow set, a PlayStation, a cowboy's outfit, an iPod, Lego, a laptop – a proper one mind: no less than 8 Gigs of RAM – a toy garage, some cars to go with it, a Barbie Doll-”
“A Barbie Doll!” exclaimed Santa.
“Santa, dear-oh-dear, your not sexist are you.”
“Course not, no, course not, don't think that lad. Just… Just…”

Saturday, 14 July 2012

A Distant Conversation

An intermittent conversation occurs between two ladies, somewhat aged, in a covered market café near the centre of a small town. They are sitting at a small round table near the counter; a few thin bags of shopping are around their feet; the other tables are largely empty. It's a cold spring day and they've kept their thick coats on. Each lady is picking at her meal, beans with two slices of toast, and occasionally sipping from a mug of tea.

Quiet words come from one, admonishing the other.

Quiet words from one, admonishing the other.

Omitted words from the other, the younger.

They sit, finishing their mugs of tea. The café is almost empty – the tables wiped, the chairs all neat – and waiting to close on this tranquil late afternoon.

One woman, the younger, slouched back in her chair, is quietly humming a discordant tune; an imitation of some forgotten pop song.

One woman, the older, fiddles with the cutlery on her empty plate and scowled disapprovingly.

Monday, 16 April 2012

Puzzle Jug, 1788-9

Ceramic by Hartley Greens and Co; Leeds Pottery Co.
This hideous jug still sits there on the mantel piece. I never did like it; never. He said he did, never said why though.

We were together over thirty years and he never did a days work around the house; never. Said that was woman's work and he worked hard all day. I suppose he did, maybe he did, but I had a job as well, granted it was part-time, then I had often to work overtime, had no choice about that. Anyway we needed the money.

This was the one thing he always noticed. If I moved it could he moan. I could move the settee or his favourite chair and he wouldn't notice; not a thing. Wouldn't say a word. But move this an inch, he'd complain; his big mouth was all I got. He'd moan and moan then I'd have to put the thing back just to shut him up.

Then he went and retired. That wasn't easy for me, he'd get under my feet all day, drove me mad he did. Wished he wasn't there and then he wasn't. Not much of a retirement for either of us.

I often joked, “When you're gone I'm chucking this out.” He's been gone two years now. But I still cannot bare to move it. I will soon, yes, I will soon.

Monday, 27 February 2012

All in a Unique Identifier

Zak hated his name. It was way too much like something out of those old fashioned SiFi movies they showed on channel 27, and Zak hated all those movies. But there it was, he was stuck with it, assigned to him by the Grand Council at birth and with little hope of it ever changing. Zak could tolerate his Unique Identifier, also assigned by the Grand Council, and it had even less possibility of ever changing. He preferred to use this later moniker whenever possible.

The medical dome was awkward to get to. When you finally arrived at the outskirts of the mega-metropolis the shuttle was quick enough; albeit annoyingly infrequent. Why did they not place this medical dome with the others near the centre of the mega-metropolis. On his few previous visits Zak felt like complaining to the Grand Council but he'd never gotten round to it; his complaint would have been ignored anyway. Once off the shuttle it was a couple of minutes brisk walk to the medical dome. Zak's slender fame and long skinny legs made quick work of the journey. He glided up to the dome's entrance block and smiled, with his thin face and thin lips, at the lone super smart check-in girl. Previously he'd had to queue but the rest of today's batch must already be in place.

Sunday, 15 January 2012

basic social skills

Training Event Log: social interchange training android

13:11:05 event log: start[Wednesday, 19 February 2098] type[summery] level[normal]

13:11:05 starting device: ID[1642.134.1823.100.0.192] type[sexual training android, female]

13:11:05 loading module: android-control

13:11:05 loading module: android-control simulation[human emotion]

13:11:05 loading module: android-control monitoring[environment]

13:11:05 loading module: vision-services

13:11:05 loading module: audio-services

13:11:05 loading module: android-control monitoring[human emotion]

13:11:05 loading module: android-control personality-simulation[default]

13:11:05 loading module: android-control speech[default]

13:11:05 loading module: training

13:11:05 training: setting-rules-from[/etc/sexconfig/training]

13:11:05 training: training-rules-successfully-set

13:11:05 monitoring: location-ID[d432cae92b78f5b2a98580043f18da56] location-description[1246255815:0s6x, Took Building, training booth 9686, third floor]

13:11:06 speech control: start task: request-personality

13:11:13 personality: load configuration: name[Sasha] type[school teacher, female, late-twenties]

13:11:16 speech control: start task: request-student-ID

13:11:25 training: student: ID[9fdb87cc0047d72b54e2012ee4bc2b76] surname[Castelluccio] forename[Christopher] sex[male] age[17.4]

13:11:25 training: course: ID[18ad0b41a87afbb2a65471dc7c2607ef] title[introduction to basic sexual skills] lesson[15] lesson-title[first steps with cunnilingus]

Saturday, 14 January 2012

Coastal Scene with Crab Catchers, about 1658

By Nicolaes Pietersz Berchem (1620 – 1683)
I often stand here, looking out, out over the misty bay at low tide. Watching the tall ships glide in, watching them risking the tall rocks and watching as they unloading their catch. Looking at the men scurrying along the shoreline, there movements hazy in the spray. I stand for hours watching these catchers. Waiting, waiting for nothing.

No one gives me a second look now, not these days, not now after all these years. I'm a usual fixture, best ignored, best forgotten. But a long ago, a long time ago I was the gayest girl around here. Everyone wanted me and I had the pick of the town.

It was all ruined by some boys fumbling one Saturday night. Hadn't a clue had I, how could I? Not a clue what he was up to down there. Fumbling away down there. Then it was all over. I wasn't sure what had happened. That Saturday after the fair, after he'd been drinking all day, after he'd caught me on the way home, after he'd told me he loved me. He seemed happy enough, at the time, tell the next day.

I was never that fond of him, not really, seemed nice enough, but there was always something about him, not right, not trustworthy. We had to marry, that's what they say around here. For the sake of the child, so they said, for the sake of his dirty doings. Our dirty doing they all said, as if I had a choice. The poor wretch was stillborn; I don't know if I was thankful or relieved. Whatever, I was now trapped in a loveless marriage. With him.

Monday, 12 December 2011

I Want To Go

My little flash fiction story Control-Alt-Delete has appeared today on 365tomorrows. This site publishes a daily piece of flash fiction in the science and speculative fiction genre. It's something of a mix with miscellaneous types of science and speculative fiction. Also the quality varies from many intriguing pieces all the way to the occasional why-the-hell-did-they-bother.

Thursday, 8 December 2011

I Hate Christmas – Homeless

He slumps hunched up in the doorway, dirty red coat drawn in tightly; a vain attempt to keep out the cold.

He mutters: “Bloody supermarkets did me in. Bloody supermarkets.”

Hours pass and no sleep; forever tired, exhausted, but no sleep. The city streets empty but the street lights glare on.

He mutters: “Bloody supermarkets. No one wants craft no more. Bloody supermarkets.”

A police car passes, stops, drives back. The policeman in the passenger seat gets out.

“Can't stop here.”

The man struggles blearily up.

“Name?”

“Santa, Santa Claus.”

“Fucking cheek. Now fuck off.” he raises his fist but does not strike. Just threatens. Just threatens!

Santa scurries off as best he can. The policeman gets back in the car watching.

“Just some gobshite,” he says to the driver.

Fifteen minutes later and Santa is back in the doorway. There's nowhere else.

A nearby club chucks the stragglers out. They cascade drunkenly down the street kicking trash cans, cars, each other. A taxi passes and they try to flag it down, it speeds up, drives passed, they scream obscenities as it turns the corner. They spot Santa, trapped vulnerably, in the doorway…

Wednesday, 7 December 2011

I Hate Christmas – Sledge Ride

Mrs Claus peeked out of her cottage door and onto the icy flat wastes. She looked out as the wind and sleet cut into Santa as he struggled to load up his sledge. She watched as he trudged between workshop and sledge with box after box. Standing there in her deep red overcoat she watched with the door slightly ajar. Then, as the wind became more bitter, Santa fetched the reindeer from the barn and started to hitch them up. Just as he finished she open the door more fully, poked her head out and called out:

“A little something before you go?”

Santa looked up, nodded, smiled; it wasn't often Mrs Claus was generous; it was better to show willing than risk retribution later. He entered the kitchen and closed the door behind him. A lovely respite from the wind.

“Stick your feet up,” said Mrs Claus, hot toddy in hand.

“Ta.” Santa sat by the piping hot stove, took the glass and had a little sip. The warm felt good inside. “Not too much now, plenty to drink when I'm on me round.”

“You sure you won't let me this year?”

“Na-na.”

“You're getting on, you said it was hard, you know, after last year.”

”Man's work my dear.”

“Still, I'm fed up all stuck here, waiting.”

“I know me dear. We's all got our jobs to do.”

Mrs Claus went to the stove behind Santa. He relaxed and took another sip. This hot toddy was a good one.

Santa looked down, something was tightening around his belly, a rope, another rope, he was pulled back tightly into the chair. His arms tightened, handcuffs snapped against his wrists and pinned his arms to the chairs arms. That delicious hot toddy fell to the floor. His legs, pulled, pushed and bound to the chair. He was about to call out when gaffer tape was plastered across his mouth. He uttered a muffled scream. It was all over in seconds then Mrs Claus was standing in front of him, hands on hips, smiling.

“It's my turn, don't you think,” she said, starting to button up her coat.

Mrs Claus put some more coal on the stove and prodded it with a poker.

“You'll keep nice and warm now,” she said.

Moments later and the front door slammed behind her and Mrs Claus was gone. Santa uselessly struggled in the chair, swearing fit as no child should hear, not that they would have heard anything more then muffled venom.

A blow for good old fashioned, do it yourself, women's liberation. After all Santa is old and far too fat to deliver the toys.

“Ye-heeeeeeeeeeee,” Mrs Claus sang out as the sledge took off, climbed, and disappeared over the horizon.

Friday, 2 December 2011

I Hate Christmas – Flight Control

The tiniest little blip flickered on the Heathrow air traffic control radar. A vigilant controller just spotted it; after the haranguing from security they'd had only that morning on home grown terrorism.

Fighters were dispatched; and the unconventional aircraft was forcibly landed on the tarmac; quickly being surrounded by police vehicles and marksmen.

The reindeer were bundled off to the cat meat factory and Santa headed towards immigration; the sledge impounded.

Two years later and Santa is still in detention, identity unverified, and awaiting deportation – to where? who knows? – they cannot find a country that will have him.

I Hate Christmas – Christmas Business

It was a cold dark night and the road behind the cathedral was almost empty. There were a few parked cars, lightly covered with snow, and the occasional woman standing at corners plying their trade. A thin grey man slipped out of the shadows, crossed the slushy road hugging his dark overcoat around him, he hesitantly walked towards the nearest woman. Momentarily his pasty grey face was highlighted under the street lights.

On arriving at the corner he looked up and seemed to have second thoughts. She was fat, boy was she fat. Unwashed, the stench cut though the cold air. The harsh red dress she just about wore was dirty and tattered; the result of months of continuous grime.

“Business,” she said. “Come on big boy you know you want to. Only £10, for you special offer.”

Meekly she look him by the hand the they slipped up a back alley where the snow was undisturbed.

In the darkness of the back alley, and otherwise engaged, they did not see the men running towards them, batons in hand.

“Whore, scum,” they shouted. The woman, on her knees at the time, was smacked over the head, the baton swung down at the perfect angle for a vicious blow. “Take that you bitch.”

Then the rest piled in boots, batons striking the woman in a frenzy. The grey man stood, aghast, back pressed tightly against the wall, trousers down, shrivelled manhood exposed.

One of the men shouted: “Stop now, mustn't kill the whore, much as she deserves it.”

A few more blows and the rest stepped back. “Chief Constable's new policy on whores,” another of the men shouted at the battered woman, “zero tolerance, get up you bitch.”

The woman dragged herself up clutching the wall, semen still dribbling down her chin, blood gushing down her face, bruises everywhere. It was only then that it sunk in these were the police.

A constable shone his torch in the grey man's face. “Blimey you. Sorry sir, archbishop sir. The church really does take vice seriously this time of year. Better run along now. Sorry for interrupting, sir. Off you go, double quick.”

The grey man slunk off as fast as his thin legs would allow. The constable turned to the woman.

“Name?” he demanded.

“Mrs Claus.”

“In the circumstances we'll say no more. Why do you do this?”

“Someone's got to pay for all those bloody toys.”

Wednesday, 30 November 2011

I Hate Christmas – My Lovely Rudolph

“Just the one,” said the elf, “what harm can it do?”

Santa lay in a crumpled heap on the barn floor. He'd been sobbing.

The elf poured a little bit of something from the bottle he was holding into a glass and held it out. “Need to get started soon. Lots of kids waiting for you. Tonight's the night. The big one. Horrible little sprogs I think. But never mind.”

Outside the barn Santa's sledge was piled high, reindeer harnessed, all that was needed was the solitary designated driver – Santa.

“So this Rudolph turned you down, said 'he's not that kind of reindeer,' said 'lets just be friends,' said 'strictly no snogging, mistletoe or no mistletoe.' There are plenty of other reindeer in the… well, it can't be 'sea'. Agh yes… There are plenty of other reindeer in the wood.”

Santa blew his nose and the sledge and barn rattled. There was no Rudolph on the sledge.

“I know all about the Alcoholics Anonymous stuff; too much sherry. Not supposed to touch this but the state you're in, just something for the journey, to keep you going, what harm can it do? Need to get started soon, sun's going down.”

Santa started to cry.

“You just have to get over him; red nose or no red nose. He's not worth it… don't blubber I didn't mean it like that. Sorry. Just one little swig to get you through.” The elf held out the glass again.

Santa grabbed the bottle.

“Steady on there,” said the elf.

* * *

Blearily Santa woke up Boxing Day morning in a solidifying pool of his own vomit.

I Hate Christmas – Christmas Kisses

Santa spun round, Mrs Claus had entered the bedroom and caught him admiring himself in the mirror; just as he was grooming his beard.

“Been shopping,” she said. “You look gorgeous, new suit.”

Trust her to notice; she would notice. This was the most expensive Santa suit in the shop and made from the plushest deep red velvet, all hand stitched and embroidered inside with gold, and trimmed extravagantly with the most exotic white mink.

“Looks nice.” Mrs Claus sat on the edge of the bed and admired him. “Got everything you want?” She crossed her legs provocatively.

“Not yet,” Santa said, daydreaming of Rudolph and the sprig of mistletoe above the barn door.

Tuesday, 29 November 2011

I Hate Christmas – Santa the Criminal

Santa Claus was getting fed up with this Christmas thing; really it was getting to be a bit of a bind. Do one good turn one year and everyone expects you to be shelling out forever. This year it was going to be different; Santa had taken a look at how bankers and those at the top of financial institutions behaved; he was as good as they; so he decided to operate in the same way.

The first house on Santa's itinerary this Christmas eve was that of Thomas and his parents. Santa had a look around; a TV set, that would be nice; a freezer, a bit heavy but he'd have it anyway; jewellery, just rubbish not even worth taking. As he loaded up his sledge Santa spotted a few other items worth taking: a laptop, some ornaments – the latter weren't worth much but they looked pretty. But the games console was old; even the elves wouldn't want that.

Just about to head back up the chimney when Santa realised he'd almost forgotten something. Santa reached into his bag and pulled out a box; he placed the box in the fireplace; unwrapped; a small model car; 50p from the local supermarket; fair's fair thought Santa.

And so it went on throughout Christmas night. TVs, computers, freezers, several bundles of cash, bank books and credit cards. At each house he left a small toy; the most expensive of which must have cost all of 70p. As the night wore on Santa became even more picky; he only took TV sets greater than 42 inches; jewellery had to be gold or have precious stones.

Poor Rudolph was exhausted; weighed down by all this extra weight. At the last house Rudolph kicked out at Santa; only missing his prime real estate by inches; Rudolph would get him next time.

Early Christmas morning Santa headed back to Lapland with his sledge piled high. Most of the stuff he'd nicked he could never used; but he'd enough to nip round the pubs offering cut price deals for hard cash; that would keep him occupied for the rest of the year.

Santa liked this new free market Santa.

I Hate Christmas – Santa the Terrorist

Inspector Haswell was perplexed. This year they had been extra vigilant with security; what with strikes, the occupy protesters, and just the general hatred that was around. The inspector wondered from room to room through the smoking embers. How had they gotten in? Why was there nothing on the CCTV? Why had no one seen anything right here in the centre of London and right in front of the world's press and TV crews?

There was a general commotion in the cabinet room. Inspector Haswell stood by the fireplace and watched. Forensics were swabbing and bagging anything that looked remotely like evidence. MI5 and MI6 were rushing around and acting like the useless idiots they were. Round the cabinet table were the charred bodies of the government still surprised by the explosion that had ripped them apart. How had anyone been able to plant a bomb right in the centre of 10 Downing Street and only a few days before Christmas?

He heard the cheer go out as the still smoking body of Nick Clegg was taken outside. Then the Inspector noticed something odd. He bent down; reindeer droppings; what! reindeer droppings; how can you explain reindeer droppings? They must have fallen down the chimney. No it could not be, surely not; not Santa Claus and a Christmas present to the nation. How could he put that in a press release and not be laughed at?

* * *

Far away in a lonely retreat the archbishop had just finished his prayers. In the kitchens everything was being prepared for his nights entertainment: the slap up dinner, only the six courses, after all he was on a diet; the scantily clad dancing girls; the silver platter piled high with cocaine; the boys for his night time amusement. Just time for a few tumblers of sherry and a doze in front of the telly. When there it was on the early evening news: explosion in Downing Street and all the cabinet killed. He watched the crocodile tears of the politicians and pundits and the tears of joy from everyone else. Then a malicious thought slipped into his mind: he stood up shocked; maybe there really was a god; he'd never acted as if there was one before; maybe his prayers really had been answered.

I Hate Christmas – Vampire Santa

Santa had scrambled down the chimney and was surprise to find a completely empty room; there was a carpet, a few pictures; but no furniture, no curtains. Santa did not do mistakes.

But there it was on his list: 'Girl, Anna 7, Dolls House, Jigsaw' and, no doubt about it, this address, the satnav on his sledge was never wrong.

He looked around the room again; did that picture flicker; the large one above the fireplace; he went over to take a look and noticed the inscription: 'Anna Thompson Aged 7 – 1898'; she was a pretty little girl. Well that was it; some elf had made a huge mistake and would pay for it; well over hundred years late was a bit much.

Santa hated lugging dolls houses up chimneys. Down was not too bad; up hateful. He packed up the dolls house and resisted giving it a kick; some little horror could have it next year. He was just pushing his sack up before him, and trying not to swear, when the girl in the picture metamorphosed into a bat; swooped down; sank its teeth into Santa's neck. Santa flailed about striking the bat with his fist; the blood mingling with his red suit. Exhausted Santa fell to the ground. A few more thumps and the bat was dead. After a few breaths he reached towards his neck and pulled out the dead bat; dropping it on the floor; where it fizzled leaving only a brown stain.

Next year Santa will have an extra little present for all the children he visits. His fangs are already starting to grow.

I Hate Christmas – Goodbye Santa

Santa's dead. His reindeer are dead. And the elves, well they bit the dust long ago.

His sledge had been wheeled out on the snow last Christmases. Designed before flight was officially sanctioned. It looked decrepit, the one modern convenience was the gaffer tape that held much of it together.

Santa had finished the gifts for most of Europe and was just starting out for the States. Having shed much of his load he cracked the reindeer hard. High over a bleak rainy London he whipped the reindeer again. If the sledge was light then Santa was not. With all the mince pies he was feeling bloated. And this feeling was nothing to do with the vast amounts of sherry he'd consumed: no he was not drunk in charge of a sledge.

The Boeing pilot had no chance. In the dark he could not see Santa: no lights. And smack; the plane barely felt a ripple; a surprised Santa plummeted; the reindeer following.

Thursday, 17 November 2011

And

“And,” she said.

“And what?” he said.

“And I was just thinking.”

“And about?”

“And nothing.”

“And do tell.”

“And what about starting a sentence with 'and'.”

“And you should never do that.” And a bad tempered scowl crossed his face. “And it's disgraceful. And the best writers never do it; and never and ever.”

And she took one step backwards. “And I though it was not so much frowned upon these days.”

“And the old ways are best.”

“And what about when you have a really, really long sentence, that sprawls about all over the place; and just meanders this way and that; and going nowhere; and seems to go on for ever; and ever and ever; and would just be so confusing for the reader?”

“And you should always rewrite it.” And now the scowl seemed to affect his entire body.

And she muttered, almost under her breath: “And why not just throw in a full stop and an 'and'.”

And he shouted: “And that would be lazy, lazy, lazy.”

And she shouted back: “And what about other words: like 'but', or 'however', or, what's what word, 'also', yes, 'also' that's it? And can you start a sentence with them.”

“And that would also be lazy.” And he shook his head in exasperation.

“And are you sure?”

“And you've gotten it wrong. And so wrong.”

“And I should not do it?”

“And I never do it.”

“And I'll try.”

“And.”

“And.”

“And.” And he walked off in a huff.

And she muttered after him: “And, and, and.”

Monday, 31 October 2011

King Gambrinus

(Gambrinus: A legendary Flemish king who was said to have invented beer.)

King Gambrinus wobbled into the hall where all the assembled court dignitaries were gathered. The wooden door slammed behind him and, momentarily, he held his head in his hands. This jolt caused something to stir within his royal veins. He staggered to a thin window, and vomited. This truly was the work of a king who had had a very good dinner. A poor, startled, serf below looked up, shook his fist, then recognising his master slunk off, not daring to vent his anger.
King Gambrinus himself also slunk, in his case to the floor, vomit still dribbling from his mouth.
“Hic,” groaned the king.
The Queen rushed forward; but even she dare not touch. “Master, master,” she wrung her hands, “what ails thee?”
“I've invented…” The king unable to continue fell asleep. No one dare touch the crumpled royal heap sprawling on the floor.
All night the hall shook and throbbed to the king's snores. Early in the morning the queen entered the hall and watched over him. Throughout the morning she watched as he slumbered. Around midday the king began to stir.

Friday, 30 September 2011

Ouse Bridge, about 1928

By Laetitia Marion Hamilton (1878 – 1964)
I was always waiting at my end of the bridge over this river. That's where we'd meet, Me and Alfred that is. We went out two or three times a week and he was always one for being late. Yet again, that night, he was late.

We'd been going together for almost three years then; it was three, I counted. So I was thinking we should move on in our relationship; you know, as you're supposed. Move on somewhere, not sure where, but move on. I had tried mentioning other boys, but, alas, nothing could provoke him into being jealous, not Alfred.

To try and force something out of him, that night, I was going to suggest a trial separation. Didn't like the idea, but I couldn't think of anything better, not when dealing with Alfred. If he did not respond then this was going nowhere. Better to move on and find someone else. I loved him, but you simply have to be practical.

When, at last, he arrived we went into a nearby pub, just along the waterfront, where we usually go. Just the few regulars in the room.

Later in the evening I managed to get the idea out; I suggested the separation. Having made my announcement we sat there in silence. He always did that when he didn't like something. Alfred just calmly drank his beer. He was never one to waste good beer. Then he got up and left; walked out just like that. It was then I started to cry, head in hands crying, others looking on, it was not the outcome I wanted.

Now, whenever I see this bridge, I wonder if I did the right thing. We never did see each other again.