A Royal Day Out

Today has been the highlight of the royal jubilee. So let us, for a moment, pause and consider some of today's activities. The actions that are supposed to prove how much superior those royals are to us common drones. How intellectually topnotch royals are and how rightfully they administer the herd.

First off there was a religious service. We, the commoners, the ordinary folk watched someone watching a church service. It's not even as if they are involved in performing the service, that presumably would be to intellectually demanding even for the royals, no it's watching someone suppressing another yawn, seeing if the boredom shows. To cope with these strenuous demands involves some special breeding. If you headed down to your local church and did something similar, say stood down one side admiring the congregation, then they, the congregation, would probably be very polite: but they'd think you were insane. But royals can achieve this exploit without appearing loopy.

After the service it was grubs up. It's a dinner and a very special meal at that. You see us common mortals cannot eat alone, not unsupervised at any rate, we need someone in charge to guide us. But royals, you know what they can do, they can perform this monumental task all on their own. They can pick up both the knife and the fork, unaided by courtiers, cut their fodder and shove it into their gobs all unaided. And no mess spilt all over the floor and landing on the cat. So on this jubilee day we are allowed a prize demonstration of their superiority we, the dregs, get to see a demonstration of eating. And all unaided by any safety net.

I could not believe my eyes when I saw what was on offer for the next of today's activities. This was a real treat. The royals were to be passengers in a carriage. That alone totally blew my mind. It might have been a little too taxing, even for royals, to be expected to drive the carriage. There are limits to the spectacle. But you have to admit it's most impressive to watch someone being a passenger. Mind you, just to be on the safe side, the carriage had to travel very slowly, and the street emptied of other traffic, there really is no point in taking risks. Being a passenger is difficult enough on its own without attempting the impossible.

The next task of the day was the most spectacular of them all. And what great feat of human endurance might this be? What intellectual stamina might this require? Why it's standing on a balcony and waving. What both at the same time. Isn't that stunning? I could cope with standing. I could admire waving. But I'm totally stunned at both standing and waving. A feat utterly unimaginable. Only someone really dignified and special could perform both wondrous activities at the same time. Note this is not one after the other, no, that would be too utilitarian, but really, truly, they're standing and waving at one and the same time. How very, very special. It just shows what meritorious people have inherited the title royal.

So tonight we can all be safely tucked up in our beds and know that we are ruled by very special people. So don't you go and ruin it by doing anything silly; like demanding to keep that cardboard box over your head.