Coming soon to a blog near you, the one and only, Sir Philip Wonder-Muffin.
The world is awash with leaks. In recent times there has been the scandal of British MPs expenses where details, intended to be hidden, were leaked. Then there is the whole Wikileaks saga. And now for your delectation, here at Microwave Fiction, we have Sir Philip Wonder-Muffin's diary.
Some disreputable types have hacked into the computer in Sir Philip's central London office, the one where he keeps his diary. In this diary Sir Philip notes all the ongoing affairs of the current Conservative government. So you get the low down on all the inner working of the coalition, including all the malicious rumours, gossip and back biting – there's plenty of that. All straight from the keyboard of the most acid and vindictive civil servant of them all. Fortunately for us Sir Philip is not technically very savvy and so he is unlikely to guess that his computer has been hacked. Material from the diary is scheduled for publication starting later in January 2011.
So who the hell is Sir Philip Wonder-Muffin? And why should you be interested? After all his name has not appeared in print very much. Well, Sir Philip is well known in back room Parliamentary circles as the power behind the coalition press office. He's the one who organises the media to stick the boot into the unemployed, the students, as well as other scroungers and ingrates. He's the one who springs into action when the coalition needs to push through some legislation or handle some crisis. And he knows all about what goes on behind the scenes: who's being stabbed in the back, who's being hung out to dry, and how the Lib-Dems are being right stitched up. As well as how Labour is being made to look right fools, though admittedly he has not needed to do much in this area recently.
A little background on the man might prove useful. David Cameron and Sir Philip have known each other since their school days. With Sir Philip calling David, affectionately, The C-Man, a sobriquet with, apparently, no negative connotations. Nick Clegg has been drawn into this camaraderie and is known, equally affectionately, as The C-Man Stain. Often the latter being jovially abbreviated to simply The Stain.
Sir Philip likes to think of himself as a modern and enlightened self made Conservative. Formally he went to Eton and achieved a poor degree from Oxford. His father, Sir Arnold Wonder-Muffin, however, really did come from working class roots and attend a real comprehensive school, achieving only some mysterious qualifications from the university of life. He made his fortune in the property boom of the depressing eighties. And Sir Philip does his best to ignore the scandals about daddy's financial affairs, political corruption and eventual suicide. These will keep being mentioned in ignorant documentaries about the period. Needless to say Sir Philip knows nothing and cares less about this unfortunate period – or so he keeps saying.
Now Sir Philip works as an media advisor for his old school chum David Cameron. Back in those school days The C-Man looked down on the older Philip as he did not come from real old style money. Sometimes it's not until Sir Philip reminds The C-Man of their happy school days that he bothers to remember him at all.
Sir Philip's conservatism is best illustrated by listing some of the people he most admires: Tony Blair, Bill Clinton and Barrak Obama. This is mostly because they have won elections and then followed a populist conservative path. Until recently he was fond of Gordon Brown for his modern enlightened conservatism. Though since the election he has gone off him a bit.
So we shall look forward to reading Sir Philip's diary. Will it contain scandals that we can all get irate about like those of MPs expenses or will they have the lacklustre curiosity of Wikileaks? In the coming weeks, or at least until Sir Philip discovers his computer has been hacked, we shall find out.