Tuesday, 29 November 2011

I Hate Christmas – Santa the Criminal

Santa Claus was getting fed up with this Christmas thing; really it was getting to be a bit of a bind. Do one good turn one year and everyone expects you to be shelling out forever. This year it was going to be different; Santa had taken a look at how bankers and those at the top of financial institutions behaved; he was as good as they; so he decided to operate in the same way.

The first house on Santa's itinerary this Christmas eve was that of Thomas and his parents. Santa had a look around; a TV set, that would be nice; a freezer, a bit heavy but he'd have it anyway; jewellery, just rubbish not even worth taking. As he loaded up his sledge Santa spotted a few other items worth taking: a laptop, some ornaments – the latter weren't worth much but they looked pretty. But the games console was old; even the elves wouldn't want that.

Just about to head back up the chimney when Santa realised he'd almost forgotten something. Santa reached into his bag and pulled out a box; he placed the box in the fireplace; unwrapped; a small model car; 50p from the local supermarket; fair's fair thought Santa.

And so it went on throughout Christmas night. TVs, computers, freezers, several bundles of cash, bank books and credit cards. At each house he left a small toy; the most expensive of which must have cost all of 70p. As the night wore on Santa became even more picky; he only took TV sets greater than 42 inches; jewellery had to be gold or have precious stones.

Poor Rudolph was exhausted; weighed down by all this extra weight. At the last house Rudolph kicked out at Santa; only missing his prime real estate by inches; Rudolph would get him next time.

Early Christmas morning Santa headed back to Lapland with his sledge piled high. Most of the stuff he'd nicked he could never used; but he'd enough to nip round the pubs offering cut price deals for hard cash; that would keep him occupied for the rest of the year.

Santa liked this new free market Santa.

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