Feeding Time

I feel like a snack. Yes, just a little snack, that would go down fine. I'm feeling a little peckish at the moment. I've just enough room for something light, something to keep me going until my big monthly dinner.

What about fat lady? What about that one there, that fat one, waddling across the street? No, I don't think so. She looks all grumpy. She looks so grumpy, so indigestible. And that thick coat in weather like this. It does make them so bad tempered. It just wouldn't go down well. And I had one of those last week, so grisly. I want something a bit different. I want something that's nice, tasty.

There's such a wide choice. It's just so hard to decide. What about that businessman? I've not had one of those recently. When was the last time I had businessman? You know, I can't remember. Oh no, look at him yapping away into that little box. That's just so off putting. Thinks he's so important – when all he's going to be is someone's next meal. You'd never get him to shut up, no, not him, horrible, just horrible. I'll let someone else digest that load of food poisoning.

But I am so peckish. I'm even hungrier now. You know, just thinking about food makes you feel so hungry. I want more than just a snack now. I want a full blown meal. It's just so hard to decide. Watching all these pedestrians makes you realise there's such a tantalising choice.

I have it, I have it. I've made my choice. Of course, it has to be geek, a nice geek. That would go down really well. I know where I can find one of those. Yes, I've been preparing one of those for weeks. I've had it on what you might call slow burn. I'm going to have geek. I'm going to have a geek. It'll make a nice juicy change.

Here we are, up these stairs, there's a nice juicy geek waiting for me up here. He'll be up here with in front of his computer, you'll see. Thirteen hours into some silly game that's wasting his life. Still, that's good for me. He'll have a right fright when he sees me. All that angst building up is great. He'll really feel the pain, all that lovely, lovely pain.

Didn't I tell you, I must have told you, no, you're sure, then I suppose I'd better: I feed on pain. That's what keeps me going, lovely, lovely pain. That's what us superior life forms live on. It's so much more nutritious than that rubbish you eat. No need for those silly diets, no risk of obesity. All I need is a steady supply of lovely, delicious pain.

There, what did I tell you? You humans are so predictable. It's all right, he hasn't moved from his computer for hours, so he'll be easy to catch. Look, the sudden movement has caused him to get cramp. It's no fun hunting humans, it's far too easy. There, all we have to do is attach this feeding device and away we go. Dinner is served, delicious. He's wriggling around a bit isn't he, what fun. Don't worry geek this will only take an hour or two. I do like to savour my food, taste every mouthful.

Look at this feeding device, interesting isn't it. See, it looks a just like one of those Music Players or one of those i-thingys. You know, that i-jingle-ditty--pody-spittoon-thingy, yes, an i-i-i-something-or-other, you're just so primitive you humans. Anyway the i-thingy connects to my mouths through these feeding straws. They're designed to look a bit like earphones, only nice ones, not the cheep rubbish you get in the local supermarket.

Yes that's right, you heard me, I did say 'mouths', you did hear me correctly, cleaver thing, and I do have one either side of my head, just in case you're wondering. It makes it so much easier to digest your meals. You should try it some time. Oh no, you can't, you're much too primitive.

The only trouble with humans is that they do tend to be a bit noisy. When you start feeding they tend to scream a bit. You're just settling down to a nice meal and their wailing away. It's not that I mind the noise so much. In fact I quite like it. It does add a bit of spice to the meal. But it does tend to attract attention. Other humans do not seem to like that, I don't know why, it makes them want to investigate. With other animals you start feeding on one of their species and the rest of herd just carry on about their business – all nice and peaceful like. You can chomp away in peace. They're just grateful it's not them this time. Why you humans have to be different I don't know? It just doesn't seem at all civilised.

While I'm feeding, I have to admit, it's a bit on the painful side. For you that is, not for me, I enjoy it. But then the pain is the point, that's what I feed on. After I'm done you'll forget all about it. So everything is all right then, isn't it? Belly full and I anaesthetise you, humans are so dumb, they forget things so easily.

You just age a little after I've finished feeding, that's all. It's no real problem, no problem at all, just thirty of forty years off your life span. As I said, it's no real problem. You humans live such a short time anyway so what's a trivial thirty years. It hardly seems worth worrying about. I just don't see what all the fuss is about.

As I said: after feeding humans age about thirty or forty years. So you can only feed off the same human once or, if their very young, twice. If not they go terribly dry and that's not very pleasant. For me that is, I don't know what it's like for them. I really hate it when you're settling down to a nice meal and they go all dry. And you also have a bit of a mess to clean up afterwards. All that powder everywhere, so unpleasant.

It has often been suggested why don't you try another kind of animal? Well we have and we often do. But we always come back to you humans, you see, you lot are so very good at feeling pain. After all, you've had such a lot of practice, you inflict so much of it on one another all the time. Also we do like some intellect with our food, though with you humans I do despair sometimes.

You humans expect cows or pigs to be grateful when you farm them, when you increase their numbers in the population. So you should be grateful when we farm you. Why do you think there are so many humans on this pathetic little planet? Well, it isn't because of anything you lot have done.

Also our farming methods are so much better than your battery farming monstrosities. At least we let you roam about the planet a bit, give you some space. We know that a bit of freedom improves product quality. Something you could well learn from.

Next week I'll be having a little party, seemed a good idea at the time. I'm regretting it now though, so much organising. You know the routine: a drink, a chat, something nice to eat. It'll be a select group of connoisseurs. So I'm looking for somewhere top notch to do the catering. Somewhere there's a group of nice sweet humans. Do you know anywhere good? Somewhere you can recommend? Say a youth club or football club. Something like a chess club would be really nice, they really take the pain. No, you're really not much fun are you? Don't you like parties? The miserable type are we?

We'll be around your way, so we might pop along to see you. Maybe you could dine with us? He-he-he I think that's what you humans call a joke. Can't say I've ever really understood jokes. If you want to say something then say it, why all that messing about?

There's one thing I hate about you humans and this just really annoys me: why are you so easy to catch? It really does take most of the fun out of meal times. I just stroll up, you scream a bit and that's it, job done, I'm feeding away. Where's the fun of the chase, of that nice plump one getting away. No, with humans is just scream and chomp. I like to play with my food. You know with some other species you can play with them for hours and hours – all that lovely pain. But you're just boring, so boring in fact I'm thinking of giving up on you altogether. But then I say to myself: just one more.

You there, yes you reading this. Are you deaf or something? Wake up there, I'm talking to you. Sometimes humans are just so stupid. Were you asleep or something? At last, thickos woken up. Yes, I'm talking to you reading this. Not up to much are you. Pathetic, are you really the best the human race has to offer? But I guess you'll have to do. I want a dessert. I'm going to have dessert and you'll have to do. Look, stop screaming, there's no getting away. I'm having a dessert and you're it. There's really is not much to you is there. Look, it'll only hurt a bit and then you'll forget everything. You know, I've had sweeter. I've definitely had tastier.